Where Will I Find Her?
“A woman's heart should be so close to God that a man should have to chase Him to find her.” ― C.S. Lewis
I still remember the first time I saw Kari. We didn’t actually see each other at the same time, for I was driving down the street to her parents’ house and saw her as she was on the walkway between the front door and the street. I noticed her red hair and I recall that she was wearing a blue sweater. She climbed into the passenger side of my truck and away we went to my parents’ house to ride horses. We were set up on a blind date and this was our first time seeing each other. I should hasten to say that Kari and I have since acquired the conviction that “dating” is not an acceptable form of social activity for young people. We believe that a young man and a young woman that have interest in one another should make that known to the young woman’s father, and any time they are not under the watchful eye of the father, it should be under the watchful eyes of the young woman’s brothers (if she has any) or some other trusted individual. Someone might ask, well if you do not trust the young man like that, why allow him to be around her at all? Even a man or a woman after God’s own heart can have their passions stirred and can give in during a moment of weakness. Remember King David. This is as natural as the sun and the moon, but it is also the cause of many familial and marital problems when people cross God’s boundaries for human relations. Young people (and older people) need to be guarded and protected from being in tempting situations, plain and simple.
Kari and I talked with each other that night and were together the following two evenings. On the third night, I asked her to marry me. Did we know each other? Of course not. Did that stop her from saying yes? It did not. I was an impulsive young man who wanted a wife and a family, and Kari was overtaken by my charm. Ok, that is a stretch. Kari and I both had been raised in homes that taught traditional values and we were both eager to start a family of our own. I was 22 and Kari was 20. We were married about a month and a half later, on March 24, 2002. We had much to learn about each other, and about life in general.
Though she no doubt will say the same about me, for perhaps different reasons, that woman was difficult to deal with. She was dutiful when it came to housework, and nice enough when things were going her way, but she was contentious and disrespectful much of the time. On the flip side, I was ignorantly inconsiderate much of the time, and rather than bringing calm to situations, I too often would pour gas on the fire, so to speak. It was not all bad times, but it was definitely not all good times.
Kari and I went to church meetings week after week. Kari met with other like-minded women in small groups, and she was a devout defender of home keeping and homeschooling, and we still are. I truly cared about people being right with the Lord, yet my studies were clashing with the denominational doctrines I had been spoon fed. I spent a lot of time in confusion, and looking back, I am confident that I was fighting through doctrinal and traditional errors as I sought a better understanding of God’s truth, and I was facing opposition. Kari was not on board. She did not openly oppose me; she just was not a fan of me agonizing over seeking the truth. Time went on and my theological journey was bearing fruit in my mind. Kari, too, was beginning to see things in a different light. I still had questions, and I still saw contradictions between what many professing Christians were saying, or had written, until I found the preaching and teaching of Charles Finney and other Christians that ascribed to what is known as Moral Government Theology. I do not agree with Finney on absolutely everything, and there are differences between those who claim to adhere to this biblical paradigm, but the principles of MGT began to blow the dark clouds of confusion away. As I listened to, and read, the teachings of Harry Conn, Michael Saia, and others, the theological complexities that have been woven into the teachings of the Church by Calvinism, Arminianism, and other “isms” were dissolving. It directed my heart to Christ unlike any explanations I had ever heard.
Later, God brought things to a defining point in my life, and Kari’s. God had pulled back the curtains in our lives and things that had been in the dark were brought to the light. Our hearts and emotions were laid bare, and a storm crashed into our lives. I did not handle myself all that well, in some ways, but I was determined to move forward for Christ. We had a decision to make. Fight through satanic opposition, love as Christ loves, forgive as Christ forgives, seek Christ wholeheartedly, or live selfishly. We chose to follow Christ.
This post is actually about Kari. My wife experienced a brokenness that few people experience. A brokenness over sin, a brokenness over her former façade. Many people claim to be Christians. They go to church meetings, they tithe, they have good feelings about Jesus - but they are lost. They have never truly come to an end of themselves. They have never come to a brokenness before God in which they have renounced their sin and selfishness and have given him their hearts and lives. They have never experienced the new birth. I believe my wife has. It is not only the best thing that has ever happened to her – it is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Not because she finally made it to “my level” and now things are easier for me – I don’t mean it that way - but because she is an inspiration to me. I know that I must seek Christ with all of my heart, and that how one finishes the race is much more important than how one starts it. I see the changes that result from a heart being in submission to Christ and I want to maintain that in my walk with the Lord.
The quote from C.S. Lewis speaks volumes to me. I love my wife and I crave her attention. But I want her attention to be fixed on Christ above all else. I want her to long to obey and please him. I want her to pour her heart out to him. I want her to teach our children to give all to Christ.
I want to have to chase God to find her.